On knifes edge
by narutoandsasukearecanon
Summary: Naruto has been on a downward spiral since his life decided to fall to pieces. His journey of self happiness and self discovery in a time were everything seems to be going wrong, shows how a young LGBT teen finds peace in his own world which seems to be at war. A war which he never knew he could stop all by him self.
1. The silver gem

**On knifes edge**

 **(PLEASE READ THE AUTHORS NOTE FIRST)**

This is a new fanfic in the works. Just a quick note for those wanting to read this fanfic, it is going to be quite graphic in terms of gore. So **please dont read if you get triggered by things like depression, self harm or anxiety.** This fanfic is going to be more personal and focus more on the sadder side of LGBT through the eyes of Naruto and Sasuke. Since my last fanfics were fluffish I wanted a more realistic version of someone growing up in a strict hetero culture and the pressure someone can feel when trying to 'uphold' the family name. Things like academic pressure, family pressure and also pressure to hide your true self are all going to be covered in this. It is going to start quite dark and then progress to happier and darker moments (basicially a roller coaster of emotions). The first chapter is really dark.. so please (again) do not read if you cant handle it.. especially if you get triggered by these kind of things. I ultimately want to open viewers eyes of what some LGBT people go through and how hard it is to grow up as an LGBT person in a community which is disgusted by you. I also hope that if you are an LGBT person going through something simular that you find some light at the end of my work, because there willl be a postive end to this, I promise. (Well as happy as it gets). Sorry for talking for so long..."P

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 **Pre warning** : Will be a **Sasuke x Naruto** fanfic, please dont read if you do not like the pairing

 **Rating** : T/ M

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own anything from the Naruto universe, trust me I wish I did.

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 **Chap 1: The silver gem**

**5 months after the first encounter**

Naruto crawled into a ball, wishing that the darkness would take him. He silently wept in his bed alone, trying to silence his tears by covering his face with a pillow. Pressing the pillow harder and harder onto his face.

Everything hurt.

He sat there looking at the black walls that surrounded him, he wondered 'what if'? What if he were a girl? Would it make it easier? Would he finally be enough for Sasuke?

The previous months came flooding back into Naruto's mind as an unwelcome storm.

Naruto clenched his head tightening his grip around his skull, he needed to stop the noises from his heart. It mocked him, slowly pumping, ringing loudly within his ears signalling he was still alive.

He tightly dug his nails into his left arm, letting the small pinch of pain relieve him of his thoughts. He thought back to the last few months knowing he would never be good enough for anything.

"Why do I try?

Naruto felt like demons bounced around his dark room watching his self-torture laughing at his pain. He didn't care anymore, he had gotten to the point where he wouldn't give a fuck if they wanted to take his soul, he had no use for it now.

He opened his burning eyes to be greeted with an empty black room, he knew no one was there, but for some reason he felt red eyes all around him, staring, smiling, laughing.

He cursed them, defied their existence.

He felt hot liquid circling his veins, he wanted so desperately to stop this dizzy and hot feeling. He needed a relief. Needed a distraction from himself

As he lay there in his bed covered with 4 blankets, trying to hide further and further away from the world he knew, he decided to opened his phone which illuminated the blanket fort he created. It was already 3 am, he had been here for hours, thinking.

His mind was a self-destructive war zone, the minute the gun fire began it was hard to ignore its violent loudness.

His head repeated loudly against the silent night. _You are not good enough._

That one sentence lay imprinted in his mind, skin, nails and hair. Everywhere.

He tried to run once but it followed him. He smiles around everyone else, but deep down Naruto knows what he is, _not good enough._ He wants to be, everything he has ever worked towards was to achieve that goal. To be good enough, to be a success, to be loved, to be happy. To be someone his foster parents would be proud off.

But after years of trying and perfecting he was nothing, his heart was broken his skin was scarred and his mind was a war zone.

He was done.

Naruto slowly slipped out of bed. His head spun, the dark room had seemed to turn into an audience of red eyes swirling around him against a midnight black canvas.

He pushed through grabbing his door handle. He couldn't take it anymore. Everything inside him had already been set on fire and turned to ash, what more was there to save?

He silently walked towards the kitchen with a blank face of utter defeat. He saw what he needed in the distance, it glowed silver against the rest of the house which was drowned out in the darkness.

He walked towards it with no fear in his heart, he knew he could silence the voices, the eyes, the taunting laughter of his despair.

He grabbed the silver knife, which glistened when hit with the moonlight. He walked back to his room, grabbed a towel and headed for the shower.

Here he could be alone.

He could cry a little bit louder, sit on the floor for hours, thinking, just thinking. The shower was his unhappy place, where he no longer fought the voices, stares and the bitter evil demons which watched over him. He let them come, teach him a lesson for being worthless, un wanted, un loved and ultimately a failure at life.

He entered the bathroom and laid the knife on the sink. He made sure the door was locked three times before turning on the water until it had fogged the glass screen. He picked up the silver knife and entered what felt like his second home.

As he felt the water hit him, he knew.

It was time to stop fighting, let go.

He closed his eyes, feeling pressure build within himself. He felt it coil up like a hot snake, until he could no longer hold it in.

His tears starting falling down, effortlessly blending in with the shower water. As Naruto sobbed loudly he felt his hands clench harder and harder onto the knife, until his knuckles were white against his pink fingers.

Naruto felt so weak. He crumbled slowly onto the cold tiles of the shower.

As he sat there on the bottom of the shower hugging his legs for any form of comfort he could feel he was no longer alone.

"Hello old friend."

Naruto opened his eyes only half way, he could see the demon which looked like a spitting image of himself, instead he was smiling and had sinister red eyes which eyed the knife as if it were a gem.

Naruto looked at him and tossed the knife at him which nearly shattered the glass.

"Why?" Naruto stuttered.

His body feeling heavier and heavier under the aggressive water which thrashed onto his body.

The demon only chuckled in heavily paradise. "You know exactly why, so here is your prize back."

The cold-hearted demon slid back the knife which now had several water droplets accumulating on its silver face.

"I know, but I tried. Isn't that enough?"

The demon looked at Naruto like he was delusional "is it?"

Naruto slowly nodded no.

He looked over to the knife knowing nothing would erase the last few months.

He tried at University and strained to be the model son he always promised Iruka he would be. He even tried to make the love of his life, love him back. But in turn he left him broken hearted, telling him it wasn't worth the risk, that they would lose so much if they continued seeing each other.

He had to face the facts that he was not good enough for Sasuke, for University or for his parents.

Naruto looked up at the demon which floated amongst the shower, "will I ever be good enough?"

The demon picked up a bar of soap which feel quickly through his hands and back onto the shower floor, "no."

Naruto nodded even though he already knew the answer, he has always known. If the several scars all over his legs didn't remind him off that, then his failing and pitiful life did.

He couldn't take it anymore.

Rejection after rejection.

Fear of losing everything he loved.

The fear of disapproval from his father, the look of disgust from his mother. He knew it was all coming if he just told them the truth. The fact that Sasuke walked away, pretended like it never happened, acting like his best friend when he knew how much it hurt Naruto to be pushed aside like that. Left in the dark, because they were of the same sex. The fear of utter family betrayal haunted them both, but Naruto was never ready to let go of Sasuke and the bliss he felt with him. At the end of the end day, it was Sasuke who walked, it was him who decided to pretend like nothing had happened between them.

It killed him to see Sasuke act so normal and happy around Naruto and their friends when everything inside Naruto was burning to pieces. Nothing at the end of 5 months remained intact, his heart and body were already shattered by loves keen sting.

His clear as day grades on his final unit results also couldn't be erased and reprinted as all A's as much as he tried, but he knew he tried. He always has. But in the end, he was never _good enough._

Naruto took the knife in his hands. He shakily brought it up to his throat. Wishing and wanting for all this to end, for the pain and voices to stop. His adam's apple bounced as he swallowed in fear.

"Go on Naruto, it won't hurt, and then you can join me."

Naruto let his tears fall. He pointed the knife to his throat waiting for the right time to push it forward and let the darkness finally come.

"Why?... Why can't I be good enough? All I wanted to be was happy… why?"

The demon didn't respond, he simply pushed the knife closer and closer too Naruto's throat. Until the knife was 1 centimetre away.


	2. At the start

**On knifes edge**

* * *

 **Pre warning** : Will be a **Sasuke x Naruto** fanfic, please dont read if you do not like the pairing

 **Rating** : T/ M

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own anything from the Naruto universe, trust me I wish I did.

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 **Chapter 2: At The Start**

Naruto's childhood was practically normal. Besides the fact that he grew up with foster parents: Iruka and Mei who took him in after his parents were taken by a house fire. Naruto didn't know much about them. Besides the fact that they died trying to save him. The topic of his parents was always dusted under the carpet by Iruka and Mei as an attempt to protect him.

He knew he had been in a life-threatening accident since he was young, he had a burn scar around his belly button, which oddly swirled inwards until fading away near the centre.

Naruto grew up in Kyoto, happy and full of life, but completely unaware of the burdens which he would face in the future. He was like every child; high on adventure, racing away into dangers and facing evil villains which lurked in the playgrounds.

If only the child Naruto could manifest and embody the current Naruto which hung from life by a thread.

Naruto was only six when he would get to know a glimpse of what his life had in order for him.

It was in his first taijutsu class where met him: Sasuke Uchiha. The heir to the Uchiha family, shortly after his big brother Itachi. Itachi was a name Naruto had certainly heard of whilst growing up. The young prodigy child shined as a beacon for the upper-class citizens. He was a model student, incredible athlete and was perfect in every possible way.

** 12 years before the encounter**

"DAD! DAAAAD!" Naruto burst into Iruka's room already changed into his taijutsu uniform, ready to rocket propel out the house and into his first taijutsu class.

"COME ON DAADDD!" Iruka only groaned loudly whilst Mei laughed quietly at the ball of energy which surged into the room.

"Okay, Naruto! Let me get out of bed first before you fly me to your class."

Naruto fidgeted relentlessly on the spot until Iruka was ready to go. As he waited and waited, believing they were already 5 hours late, he saw his mother smile and wave him over to the bed. Naruto nearly tripped over to her from the amount of energy which exuded his body.

"Now, now, Naruto. Be calm."

Naruto took in a steady breath, looked at his mum and nodded with a confident 'hmph', to affirm he was calm.

"Okay that's better, I have a gift for you." Naruto started to lose it again. Excitement was seeping out of every fibre of his being. His smile was like a ray of sunshine, actually, a blast of sunshine. His eyes enlarged 10-fold and his tiny freckles on his face seemed to dance like flicking stars in the night sky. "Okay! How can I keep it away from you any longer?" His mother picked up a box which was hidden behind her pillow. She brought it forth to Naruto, showing him this blue box which had a thin light green ribbon tied around it, securing it firmly in place.

Naruto opened his hands receiving a box which seemed half the size of his hands at the time.

"Go on! Open it!" His mother said whilst smiling brightly.

Naruto opened it, revealing a small teddy bear with a good luck necklace around its neck. The necklace was a lovely thick black material. In the centre of it shined a bright pendant, which Naruto could have sworn was a large diamond at the time.

It was a blue opaque crystal which was paired with 2 silver balls on each side of it.

"Thank you, mummy!"

"Ah don't just thank me. Your dad also got it for you."

Naruto turned around to see his father standing enormously higher than him, shining like a hero in Naruto's child-like eyes. "Thank you, dad!"

Naruto ran over to Iruka and jumped into his hands for a bear-like hug. His body oozed happiness and joy at that moment.

** Looking back at that moment, Naruto wished he could go back and re-do his life again. Start from precisely that day, where everything had changed. **

"Alright, let's get this pendant on and be on our way. We have the first class today."

His mother chuckled in the bed, "Of many, I expect."

Iruka looked back and smirked because he knew she was absolutely right.

"Alright, Naruto, off we go. Let mummy enjoy her morning sleep." Naruto waved goodbye to his mother and practically ran all the way to class. He was beyond excited for what was to come. A mere child of six, ready to face the world and show them that he was the best. Believe it!

Naruto saw the sign in the distance, illuminated like a bright beacon on a foggy night. The sign read Taijutsu Gold. Naruto was a bubbling ball of joy running towards his first class. He was beyond exuberant to learn and show everyone he was the best.

Iruka walked slowly behind Naruto, yelling out every two seconds that he needed to slow down. As soon as Naruto saw the class in sight, Iruka gave up on restraining Naruto and let him run all the way there. Iruka just laughed in defeat, but his warm and loving happiness for Naruto was not unnoticed by Naruto who smiled back at his father on occasion.

Naruto opened the door to his first class. "Good morning," the sensei spoke loudly and confidently to both Naruto and Iruka.

"Do we have an early riser here Iruka? I believe class doesn't start for another twenty minutes."

Iruka rubbed the back of his head in defeat as he practically had to speed walk to class due to Naruto. "I'm sorry, Gai. Naruto was so excited he basically made me run a marathon with him to get to class early."

Gai looked down at Naruto with a wide gleaming smile before he bent down to his level and placed a comforting yet firm hand on his shoulder. "Well It's nice to meet you, Naruto, I'm Gai, but please call me sensei in class. I am glad you are full of youthful energy. we must always, ALWAYS, use our youth to our full potential!" Naruto nodded at the large man with curiosity. "Now, Naruto, go put your bag in there and go inside to warm up. I want to chat with your father."

Naruto waved goodbye to his father and skipped into the changing room to place his things and get ready for class.

Iruka and Gai watched him leave and both smiled at the young energetic boy.

"They grow up fast. Don't they, Iruka?" Gai placed a friendly hand on Iruka's shoulder to assure him his son would be safe.

"They sure do," Iruka let out a sigh of sadness. This felt like a rite of passage, having to leave your son at class and come back a few hours later. What if something were to happen? What if Naruto got hurt? What if the other kids bullied Naruto?

Gai saw the stress accumulating on Iruka's forehead, signs of worry literally exuded out of him like comical stink lines. "Iruka, I promise you, he will be fine. He is a confident young boy. I assure you he will blossom into an assertive, strong and very skilled man over the years, so don't you worry!" Iruka let out a worried sigh. Admittedly he knew he would have to let go of his baby boy soon enough. "But you have to get out of here soon. The rest of the parents are coming soon and If you don't want to get caught having to talk 2 hours of politics with the Hyūga and Uchiha clan, I would be out of here if I were you."

Iruka's eyes widened in disbelief. "They are putting their kids in this school as well?"

"Well, of course, we are the elite taijutsu school in all of Japan. But, I'm pretty sure once they heard you were placing Naruto in here, they all jumped at the opportunity as well. I believe the Hyūga family specifically placed their daughter in class so they could talk with you more often than you probably want."

Iruka rubbed his temples in annoyance "Ugh, for Christ's sake, my child is only six. What do they want anyway? To arrange Naruto's marriage already?" Iruka was starting to fume at the annoyance he felt that his child was nothing but a mere prize to be won by others.

"Well, what can you expect, Iruka? Your son will overtake you when he's older and a lot of people want to marry their daughters to your son. I also feel sorry for the Uchiha kid, Sasuke. He's in a similar boat with Naruto. A highly powerful clan like that is something a lot of prospectors have their eyes on."

Iruka just sighed deeply in aggravated annoyance "I just wish our poor kids could be left alone to be kids for a while I haven't even talked to Naruto about having to marry an elite. Let alone Hinata. Though she is from a respected clan, Naruto is too young."

Gai patted Iruka on the back, "I know, Iruka. For now, don't stress, I'll make sure he's okay. But, Iruka, you will have to talk to him later on. It will turn up sooner or later." Iruka knew this. He has always known this. He just wanted his child to grow up happy without him having to know the burdens and expectations which were expected of him to be his successor.

"Well anyways, Gai, I'm off before I get stampeded. Take care of my boy and I'll see you in an hour and a half." Gai waved Iruka goodbye as he left the centre and quickly bolted from there before the rest of the parents arrived.

Naruto warmed up in the centre of the room, looking around at all the mirrors and equipment which made up the room. He saw kick boards, punching bags, small boxing gloves, poles and much more. He was excited to start and wished time would fly by quicker.

It was now 5 minutes before class commenced. The room was starting to fill up with loud noises and excited children. Many of the parents had already said goodbye and wished their child good luck for their first day in class.

Naruto knew no one in class, but he was hoping he would make some amazing friends.

He was curious about the girl with short, lilac hair in the back who had seemed to be staring at him. Her parents had whispered something in her ear and pointed to Naruto earlier. Maybe they were telling her to be friends with him? He wasn't sure, but he hoped she was nice. Friends would be much needed if he was going to train here until he was older.

The time was now 1 minute before class. Gai-sensei was pacing back and forth, introducing himself to every parent and kid. He was trying to familiarise everyone, so when a new child walked in he would introduce them to the entire class.

"Everyone! This is our last member of class A; his name is Sasuke Uchiha. Say hello everyone." Naruto looked up to see a young boy who clung to his mother's leg. His black hair was spiked up and his eyes matched his dark clothes. Because it was only starting class everyone was allowed to wear whatever coloured uniform they wished. Naruto chose a bright orange, to resembles his excitement and that he was on fire. At the time, he thought it was quite cool.

Naruto didn't know why but the boy seemed to grasp Naruto's attention. He seemed angelic on the outside, but Naruto had a strange sensation that he was far from that. Sasuke walked into class, settling in the middle row to Naruto's left. Naruto was front and centre, which he proudly had taken due to being so early.

"Okay! Now that everyone is here, shall we begin?" The class erupted in cheers and excitement. Today was the day when everything would change. At the time, Naruto could have sworn it was for the better. But later, way later, (precisely 13 years later) his opinion of this day would change drastically.

Class started with a few icebreakers; everyone introducing themselves and talking about their favourite things. Naruto, of course, said his favourite thing was going out to eat ramen which the entire class laughed at.

After several warm ups with the entire class, which involved running on the spot and star jumps, Naruto was ready for some real action. He wanted to kick things and punch throw walls. "Okay, we are going to form teams now. Seeing as it's the first day, I'm going to pick the teams. After the first week, you can decide who you go with," Gai explained to the class "Okay! Hinata Hyūga, please partner up with Kiba Inuzuka. Sui, please partner up with Lin and Sasuke Uchiha please work with Naruto Uzumaki. Um, an...d finally… hm? Seems we have an odd number. But, that's okay! Lee, would you like to partner with me?"

"YES, GAI-SENSEI!" A young boy with very straight and shiny hair strutted forward to GAI with green taijutsu overalls. He practically army walked over and stood firmly still when he reached Gai. He was strangely robotic in his action and seemed very serious about class and proper walking and standing stances during training.

Naruto liked this kid. He looked up to him. He wanted to be the same; to exude the same confidence in class. Shame he was not partnered with him. He got that weird kid who Naruto didn't like very much. Naruto just had a weird feeling about him. He seemed so angelic at first but he noticed the kid staring at him for a lot of the warm up with these cold dagger eyes.

"Naruto Uzumaki… I'm Sasuke." Naruto looked at this boy who seemed to have a very cold and mysterious energy to him. "I'm going to be the best in this class, so if you stop me from becoming the best, I'm going to ask to change partners."

Naruto felt something he has never felt before, something that gave his orange overalls a meaning. He felt a fire build in his belly, a fire which was only a spark, but over time would grow into hot balls of flames.

He wanted nothing more than to be better than Sasuke Uchiha.

Today was the day their rivalry started.

Looking back, that was the day that Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha officially began their friendship. But, at the time when they were six, it had seemed like nothing more than a rivalry built on brute competition.

"Sasuke Uchiha," Naruto gave his new rival a determined grin "I'm going to be the best at everything! You better believe it!"


End file.
